Today a friend of mine got the worst phone call you can get. The same call that I got early April 9th, 2008 that shook my world and my faith. I don’t remember getting my own call, it was such a blur, but I remember that call happening to my best friend one morning in December 2006. It can’t be more horrific. From the silence to the “What?” to the gasp before the first sob, I can’t imagine anything worse.
Saying goodbye to someone you love is pure hell. Especially if they don’t get the chance to say it back.
When you lose someone or see someone you love go through pain, everything changes. Life doesn’t feel livable. In the four months my family waited for the death of my mother, my first thought of every day was, “can I handle it if she died today?” Whenever the answer was no, I would pray “Please, God, just not today.” and go to check on her. I didn’t have a chance to ask myself that when the phone call woke me up. And everything changed for the rest of my life.
I’ve led a charmed life. I love it. I have the best friends, roommates, and family. Since high school, I can’t think of a time I was remotely unhappy with my life. When mom died, it felt like it all got taken back. I didn’t relate to my friends who, naturally, were going on with their lives, my family was suddenly one too few, and my heart was broken. I went from being high on life to hating my life. I didn’t want to get out of bed in the mornings. Everything hurt for a long time.
The sermon this week was from Luke 14:25-33:
25Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: 26“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. 27And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. …33In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.
Three chapters later in Luke, Jesus says, “33Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it”
According to Kris, when God says we must ‘hate’ our loved ones and life, he means love Him, the infinite God, so much more that you let go of the temporary things you have once held too close.
This may sound sick, but stay with me. As the pain has subsided, I see- the truth is, we all have to leave our perfect, safe lives that we’ve created for ourselves and pick up our ‘crosses’ and follow Jesus. (I feel the need to break stride and say before going on that since my last post, my attempts at following Jesus have unfortunately been abysmal.) The more comfortable and happy we get with our lives, the harder it is to leave behind. (Which, I guess, is the current dilemma) Mom dying leaves me one less thing to worry about now, and one more incentive to follow Jesus. It’s been two and a half hard years and there are many more milestones and years ahead of missing her, but sitting right here, I rejoice in the fact that God has freed me of one less thing to let go.
